This emptiness…

Tonight I want to be all alone. For my soul is empty and I have no sorrows left. Neither are there any joys. I have cut all connections to goodness, all links to a moment of salvation. I don’t need you or anyone else to fill my days or nights with joy or hope. I want to live hopeless, as hopeless as my soul seeds in me.

Today you cannot talk to me. Not the way you always talk. I am inaccessible and cynical of all cares. I cannot see the goodness in your actions or your words. I can only see another being trying to take advantage of my loneliness, of my emptiness, of my defenselessness.

Everyday I let you in, in hope of a new sunrise. Every night I promised myself, tomorrow you will know what I really need. Tomorrow you will be a changed you, not a clone of the hundred others who passed this way of mine, who scoured my soul with a steel wool, and left me with holes gaping worse. Every night I cry those unbecoming tears that leave me in that city of lost lights, the city of dark crevices.

One more moment was all, I wanted. It was only a moment of honesty, a moment of revelation, a moment of peace. You lead me on, knowing that what I need is so little, so easily givable. You lead me on and on, just for a little more selfish pleasure of yours. Believe me; I know your true intentions. It’s just because I loved you, one moment more than myself that I give in. It’s just because I can bear a bit more that I chose to let you bend me, trusting you not to break me.

Maybe for a moment more, I will play the fool’s clown. Maybe for a day more, I will walk the tightrope of an acrobat’s death. Maybe for a lifetime more, I will hide those murky tears on a painted mask of colours. Maybe I will just collapse a touch-me-not’s snap and never revive again.

I want to stop believing in the eternity of moments, I always doubted those words, those dejavus, those worthless values that you said were your forte of strength. You do not know, how much I wanted to believe in you, how much I wanted to believe in myself, that a place of beyond the heavens of my mind existed. Once more you shatter those glass houses into a million reflecting mirrors, all reflecting the many that passed through you or me.

I want to walk into your depth, shake your darkness and show you how phony your own thoughts were, how deluded your imagination was, that lead you to trust yourself to save another soul too. I want to shake you, back to your senses, so that you do not push another living pulsating person into the despair of your illusions.

Maybe I will wait just one more time, for you to take away this emptiness. For you to show me that indeed all those moulds aren’t mindless clones, they too have a soul and mind, one that cries and laughs, not just pretend. OR for me to stop living…